I must say that i have matured emotionaly the last few weeks - the sort of maturity that is forced out of me because of where i am and the things i witness. Al the other 20s and 21s are still out partying, playing, having fun, with occasional school or work stress, the same sort of politics u experience everywhere, but it's a little quite different for the profession i'm in i guess.
And i really thank god for seeing me through all these while. thank you for putting pillars of strong sppt around me. from all te friendly houseman and other docs, to the good frens ihave in medical school to share all the first times with me. I give thanks. Also for my family who's always always there.
There's sill something boggling in my heart tho. I'm still trying to look for an answer. they always say follow your heart, but this time it's getting too much my heart is broken, i have to be rational and follow my head.
Here's something i read today and i really like how the author puts things into perspective for us. For how well she puts all the feelings i have deep inside into a coherent short passage. Some things she mentioned describes perfectly jus my thoughts.
Slowing down to a life of grace
The day before his annual visit home to family and friends in Singapore, my brother sent me an email. It began cryptically, with biblical refrences to "meeting one's maker". Reading further however, i decided he had made an intelligent decision. The email was to inform me of where his important documents were kept in Australia.
We live in uncertain times. Plane crashes,floods and heatwaves, terrorist attacks. CLoser to home, dengue and avian flu loom large.
Our personal radar is not often tuned to crisis mode. Even in conflict-ridden parts of the world, there are pockets where "normal" everyday living can be found. So my brother's email came as a timely reminder that the times welive in are tumultuous ones, and that fate can be cruel.
A lorry slipping into the waterway, drownings, murder triggerd by misplaced words- a son, a mother, a father, a daughter- a life snuffed out leaving a trail of grief. And often there is collateral damage compounded by paperwork being not quite in order.
It's time for me to start tidying up the loose ends of my life. I may not have much by way of material holdings but i have responsibilities. And among them, the most onerous is to myself; to live a good life, one guided by a moral compass and attention to important details that get lost in this fast-paced 24/7 city we live in.
So i've made a decision to ' slow-down". Nothing can be ever so urgent as to subject familly, friends, colleagues and strangers to the brunt of my impatience and irritability. As a result i am closer to enjoying everything i do, from eating and drinking to cooking and writing. When i exercise, i turn off my phone and mentally turn on a few other switches as well. It's difficult. It takes discipline and resolve.
It goes beyond a work-life balance; it's finding a rhythm which suits you, oblivious to the frenetic pace of the external world, yet without shunting out the ambient sounds of human existenceer
Some people dead and alive have it: it is grace under fire. SOcrates, Gandhi, Rosa parks, MArtin luther King. After reading a recent interview with Nobel Laureate Alexander Solzhenitsyn. I believe he had it too. Closer to home, Elizabetyh Choy had it.
HOw did they get it? I don;t know. But the common thread is that they all serve the cause of humanity. How did they come to serve this cause? Again, i don;t know. But here's a plausible list of factors: they were moved by the miieu of their times - destiny; genetic imprint- nature; upbringing-nurture; mentors- inspiration.
How do we aspire to be like them? Do one good deed a day, think one good thought a day is a simple prescriptive. Or. "do unto others what you want others to do unto you" - which is more challenging to ponder.
Death can come swiftly. In my mind, I replay the last telephone conversation i had with a friend in London. She was coming home to Singapore. SHe never made it. She died barely a week after we spoke and six weeks after she had been finally diagnosed with stage cancer.
I remember her best for the way she made me feel - near unconditional acceptance of who i was. I cannot be uncondiitonally accepting, but i can give both emotional and physical space to those who try my patience.
I think of what i know about them and sometimes I get it so wrong. Then i think of what i don;t know and that is when the space opens up for forbearance.
- by Cathrine Lim
Exactly my sentiments.
